I, pod

For a number of years, the authorities have been trying to clean up the Thames in order to encourage salmon back into London. I was never quite sure what the point of this was, especially after cheap, farmed salmon became ubiquitous in the local Happy Shopper, despite it being mostly pink fat and tasting oddly of mutton. Truth be told, I've never really cared for salmon, wild or farmed - by which I mean that I don't like the taste as opposed to keeping one as a pet.
Anyway, recent events have overtaken this well-meaning experiment. The water is now so clean that we've now got illegal immigrants swimming up Old Father Thames. I mean, a bloody whale, where's it going to end ?

Next thing you know it'll have settled in Richmond and invited its whole bloody pod to stay. Of course, being a whale, nobody's going to say anything are they - nobody wants to offend a whale, oh no - heaven forbid, "fabulous creature", "nicely spouty", "not at all as fishy as I'd imagined". That's the problem with whales - they're so bloody middle class, "Oh we had the pod round for sherry and canapes at the weekend - Jocasta made these mini plankton vol au vents from Jamie Oliver's new "Cocking about with Cooking" book".

Now if a giant squid was lolling about at Battersea, you wouldn't see the do-gooders patting it down with a damp towel. The cheeky Chelsea bunch would be down there with their jetskis and Sabatiers helping themselves to calimari.

As usual, its one rule for large cetaceans and another for abnormal cephalopods. Tchoh.

LargetrouserS: Free Willy: ask owner for details